The biggest "what if" in my life: What if I don't make it?

You're the kind of girl a guy would come back for.

Dec. 19, 2013

Time spent with you is always a different adventure. I love it.

"Lose yourself to improve yourself"

Maybe that's what's happening with me right now.

I wish I majored in something I loved. Something that I actually want to do.

It all makes sense now. Why you are the way that you are, and why you do the things that you do. You can't do much to take away what you go through, so it only piles up.

Took the day to breathe.

FROZEN ♡, sushi, and Bodies exhibit.

Richie's been my most "down ass" friend lately. We watched the 11am showing of Frozen only to guarantee that we could see it in case it got busy later. It was so cute! I couldn't stop smiling! It put me in one of the happiest moods, and maybe even made up for all the difficult times I've been having the past two months. Yes, it was that amazing. It definitely makes my top three favorites next to The Little Mermaid and Tangled. Afterwards, we made the all you can eat sushi happy hour at Odori. Need I say more? Last but not least, the bodies exhibit! This was an extra credit assignment for Anatomy, and it was helpful to bring along someone who was knowledgable about the material. My professor told us that it would take around two hours or so to complete the worksheet, but with his help, it only took an hour or so. The exhibit was actually quite interesting, and I enjoyed it.

It felt good to have a day off from school and work. It felt good to breathe. Even if it was only for a day.

Speaking of work, I don't plan on working more than what I'm scheduled these next two weeks. Finals are next week, and I need to focus on my studies.

I've been wanting a [asdfghjkl;] lately.

My hideaway at work.

It's like the guest speaker we had in Anatomy on Monday has been reading my mind:

"Being a doctor is a wonderful thing. Being a nurse is a wonderful thing. But only if you love what you do. There's not enough money in the world to make you love what you do. If you've already started and it's not something you want, that doesn't mean you're a failure. It just means you figured it out."

I really enjoy the view of city lights. It makes me feel like "me", because I'm outgoing and bright. 

It's not easy for me to open up to someone. To vent, and just let them know what's on my mind. As outgoing as I may be, I'm more of a listener than a speaker when it comes to things like this.

Mommy: "Idk how you do it."

Me: "Me either."

Do you even want to be a nurse?

No, obviously not. I grew up wanting to be a third grade teacher, everyone knows that. But you have to go where the money is in order to have a stable future, and that's nursing.

Earlier today, my mom was telling me that she spent her first few years of college studying to become an English teacher. She didn't pursue nursing until her dad and sister "made her" do so. But you know what? My mom made it a long way as a nurse, and she's happy.

Happiness and success. I want that.

It's okay if we're nothing. Because nothing lasts forever.

I'm glad that I never advertised this blog. Especially now that this is my main blogging page.

If the dreams you have don't scare you a little bit, then they're not big enough.

I'm not the type of person someone falls in love with.

Attracted to the things I can't define.

If you had to choose:

1. Being dependent and having everything handed to you.
2. Being independent and work for what you want.

I'm glad I grew up as the kind of girl who can stand up on her own two feet.

If there's one person who has been there for me throughout everything I've been going through the past few months, it's Gerico. He doesn't know that, but he has been. Everyday. And I'm more than thankful.

You're so self disciplined. Any guy would be lucky to have you. 

We were both busy, and we had opposite schedules. That's what I've come to conclude, anyway.

Most importantly, she grew tired of the mindless chatter and stale promises. Growing to be accustomed to the idea of solitude, she constantly craved for it -- Like a slow sinful addiction ready to devour her at any given opportunity. And with time, she realized that she could walk steadily without any form of dependence. That was what scared her the most. It was all or nothing.

It's scary, yet fascinating how one simple action, one simple move, one simple inadequate decision, can change the course of someone's thoughts. Maybe even alter a major event in their future.

My biggest fear in life is the outcome of my future, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel like I won't make it, and I don't have a a fall back plan if that's the case. I only pursued nursing because that's what's expected of me. But it's too challenging for me. I've never been the brightest person, and this major is like a battle field. People say that "You'll be fine, you're a smart girl" "Keep your head up" "You got this" but I don't.  I feel like I'm failing. I feel defeated. I feel lost. And it's killing me. I've held myself up for so long, and I feel like I can't do it anymore.

Nobody gets it.

Do I turn the page or close the book?

People only know how to be encouraging. Of course, that's not a bad thing. But despite how much the truth hurts, I need someone to be straight up with me.

"You'll be fine."
"You can do it."

"You're a smart girl, you'll be fine."

"Keep your head up."
"Stay positive."
"You may not end up where you want to be, but it's where you need to be."

I'm tired of these cliche sayings. Tell me something like it's a slap in a face.

Happy Easter!

Today was spent quite simply. My family and I attended the 12 o'clock mass and spent the rest of the afternoon at my aunt's house in Chino Hills. A brown floral dress with a black coat and wedges was my outfit of the day! Spring is right around the corner!

I also want to share the outcome of the B.B. cream and filling in my eyebrows today! It looks pretty natural, right? I'm happy with it :)

"Self care" therapy.

Earlier this morning around 8:30am my mom and I snuck out to run a few errands. We're the early birds in the family! We did some "self care" as my mom would call it. It was more of retail therapy to me (even if it was just make-up)!

Yes, we both had a bit of a make-up haul. At Target, I bought a new mascara. I've currently been using Maybelline's Great Lash just to finish up the left overs my mom never used. I'm back to CoverGirl's lash blast fushion now! In addition to the mascara, I also invested in Garnier Skin Renew Miracle Perfector B.B. Cream. It was recommended by my mom, and when I tested it out at the store it went well with my skin! I was pleased to see that it was oil-free, too. I was also in need of a new bottle of make-up remover, so I grabbed this pink bottle of Maybelline's that Grace recommended since Neutrogena's was a bit too pricey. It saved me $3!

West Covina mall was our next stop. My mom has grown a bit of a boba addiction that she's always craving it now (but I'm not complaining), so we bought a large Milk Tea at Lollicup's! Yum! She returned a pack of eyeliner at Macy's, and then we went to Sephora. She's trying to re-build on her make-up kit because she lost hers at work. $100+ worth of make-up in there! What she brings it to work for I'll never know. Unfortunately, they didn't have Bobby Brown (her favorite) so she settled with one of Benefit's concealer.

Puente Hills mall was the last stop of the morning! My mom wanted me to get my eyebrows waxed. I've gotten them threaded once before, but I was a bit scared for waxing since there are chemicals involved. I sucked it up though, and the outcome was amazing! (See picture below). Waxed, shaped and cleaned! We were both in awe. Just for the fun of it, we went to the MAC at Macy's to see how they would look like filled in. It was such a jaw dropper! It looked way better, but still natural! Definitely shapes my face. My mom bought me the pencil he used (yes, it was a he) which I wasn't expecting because of how expensive MAC is. I forgot to take a picture of the filled in look, but I'll be sure to post one up once I do them on my own! I need the practice to make them look on point. Lol!

We came back home around 1:30. What a morning! I'm excited to try the B.B. Cream and fill in my eyebrows! I'll most likely be updating with the overall outcome on Monday. Mm, I enjoy our random mother daughter days. My mom is truly one in a million. ♡

Well, back to reality! Chemistry exam and Statistics quiz on Monday, and an English paper due Thursday. Eek!

The little things.

I had a bit of an off day due to a certain circumstance, but these little pick me ups helped me managed to get through!

My grades keep me sane. It's an automatic mood lifter when I receive a quiz/exam back knowing that I did well. Since they were only passed back for us to look at, the photo was only taken as proof because my family never believes me. Sigh, at least I'm making them proud. Or so I hope.

During my two hour gap, I met up up with Janelle, Andre, Rachel and Rj because they were in town. I needed to give Janelle the money for the Beyonce concert we're going to over summer anyways since I haven't had the time to visit Temecula the past two months or so. Even if it was only for a few minutes, I'm glad I got to see them. It made my day! True homies.

Six Flags (March 23, '13)

Yesterday I spent the day with my dad's side of the family at Six Flags for my cousin Kylie's birthday. All I wanted to do was stay home and sleep though because the week prior was tiring, but family first!

I applied more moisturizer than usual on my face for the extra SPF. Call me crazy, but I even brought an umbrella in case I needed it while we were waiting in line. I'm actually glad that I didn't end up using it though because the weather was surprisingly nice! There was plenty of shade around the park and in the lines, so it was bearable! I'm proud to say that I kept my skin tone, and I plan on keeping it that way. I refuse to get dark!

We spent the first half of our visit in the toddler area for my baby brother. He rode all the rides there like a brave little boy! We also played around in the ball pit (one of my favorites) several times. That place is all sorts of fun for all ages! At around 1pm we had the family meal baskets for lunch (hamburgers, chicken strips and fries). The more extreme rides came afterwards! The waiting times for a good majority of them were over an hour, but we pulled through. However, the wait in Goliath stood out the most. The guy in front of us started making conversation with me, and we made small talk before he introduced himself. "My name's Ricky by the way. Might as well since we're going to be waiting here for an hour or so." He made some good company, but from my peripherals I could see my family staring me down, LOL. That ride will now forever remind me of how I made an acquaintance with a complete stranger. If only I took a picture with him!

We left the park at exactly 8pm and headed towards my auntie's area for dinner at one of our favorite buffets there. Zen buffet! As you can see, I'm a sushi fanatic and proud! Don't worry, that's not all I ate. I had a few other several servings of some favorites of mine, including clam chowder! Then you always have to have the dessert! It was all so fulfilling! It's one of my favorite buffets, but there is still yet to be one to top Pala's.

We spent the night at our auntie's after this long day. My dad wasn't capable of dropping us off back to Diamond Bar let alone go back to Temecula. All the young ones knocked out at around 10ish while I worked on my essay due early this week. Yes, even after a long day I still have to fit school into the schedule somewhere! I knocked out around 1:30ish, maybe 2am. 'Twas a family day well spent! I'm glad that I ended up going.

'Twas a good day in Chemistry.

I usually dread Wednesday's because I'm at school from 8am-6:30pm. Today was no different, and if anything I was dreading it more than usual because of the fact that I had three different quizzes in Chemistry. The quizzes were on chapter two, nomeclature, and our post lab. I was up late until around 1:30am studying for them, too. That's the latest I'm willing to stay up because I need to get some rest for these kind of days.

My scores?
Chapter 2: 14/15 = 93%
Nomeclature: 20/20 = 100%
Post lab: 23/25 = 92%

Yes, all A's! I have a love hate relationship when it comes to grading anything in class because I feel so embarrassed if I don't do well, but when I do as good as this that's an entire different story! It gives me such a good feeling because it was never easy for me to grasp Chemistry. I've always struggled in this type of Science, so saying that I was happy about these scores would be an understatement. I've been keeping up pretty well, I would say!

In lecture, we spent the entire class period learning about electron configurations. As stupid as it may seem, after all the years I've spent taking a Chemistry class, this was actually the first time I really understood it. It seems much easier than I remember, so it made me feel a bit dumb. Lol, oh well! What's important is that I understand it now, right? :)

In other news, I would think to top it all off that I would get my Statistics exam back, but unfortunately I have to wait until Monday. Also, my outfit today was a "school girl" type look. It wasn't Instagram worthy, so I figured I'd post it up here!

Top: Jean long sleeve (lace white back not pictured)
Bottom: Black skirt, sheer tights, over the knee socks
Shoes: Oxford heels

Mm, I guess my quizzes today was the cherry on top to everything. I love knowing how well I'm doing in school, and it makes me happy. Priorities and time management. I have to keep it up!

Keck Medical Center of USC

I went to work with my mom earlier today! She had a class from 9am-11am and asked me if I wanted to tag along so she could use the carpool lane. Lol -_-. I guess I didn't mind giving up one out of the three days I'm able to sleep in. We had to leave at 7am so I woke up at 5am as usual. It's all morning traffics fault. At least it wasn't as bad as it is usually is during the week because it's Friday!

Since we arrived an hour earlier than expected, we decided to have breakfast at the cafeteria. "Ew, hospital food" is the first thing that came to mind. Surprisingly enough, it was a five star meal! I had an omelette and two hash browns. It was filling. My mom also gets discounts, so the overall price for both of us was only $5! I shouldn't have doubted it. It is USC after all. There were also so many different colored scrubs in the cafeteria that my mom explained to me which color represents what. Haha. She took me on a mini tour afterwards. I got to see the floor that her and my auntie work on and meet a few of her co-workers and even her boss! Seeing everyone at that desk (in the picture below) reminded me of Grey's Anatomy, and I got the typical "You look like your mom," "You look like sisters," and "An ganda ganda naman" comments from her co-workers. Filipinos, haha! That's all we had time for until she had to go to class. I did homework and studied in the lobby while waiting.

The REAL reason I decided to go however, is because I recently applied for an open position here as a caregiver (someone who takes care of patients one on one) on the weekends. I wanted to see the environment, and let me just say that hectic doesn't even begin to describe it. I would manage though. I'm good at adjusting. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to get this job. I want to get the feel of working in a hospital, and opportunities like this don't happen often! I can already picture myself in those scrubs, heh! ♡

So far, so good!

Three weeks into spring semester. I've been pretty swamped with school, and the time change doesn't help the situation. Restless is the word that comes to mind. As contradicting as it may sound however, I'm not complaining. I enjoy the feeling of being productive because it shows me how dedicated I am to doing well. I stress out, feel beyond exhausted, and give up my social life on the weekends if I have to just so I can catch up on my lack of sleep from the week prior and focus on school work. I'm glad I'm not doing it for nothing though, because it shows in my quizzes! I've aced all of them so far! Understanding the concepts (especially in Chemistry and Statistics) has never felt so good. My first essay was due today and first exams are this upcoming week, so I'm hoping that I do just as well.

You know, I regret not having the kind of mentality that I do now (ever since I started college) back in high school. The possibilities of how far I could have gone already are a bit depressing, and attending a community college never made me feel like I was successful. That's why I can't wait until I transfer to West Coast this fall. I'll be finishing up all of my higher division classes there, and then before I know it I'll be starting clinicals! I finally feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with my future, and that makes pretty damn happy.

De-virginizing my hair.

A few months ago, Grace suggested that I dye my hair a light brown. The thought never occurred to me, but the more I started thinking about it the more I wanted to! I want the color to somehow be what it looks like in the sun (the picture below), or probably a bit darker. What I'm afraid of however, is how often I would have to keep re-dyeing it if it continuously fades, or if I don't like the outcome of it. The same reason why my mom prefers that I don't go through with it.

I tend to over think when it comes to doing something out of the ordinary with my hair. I would like to think that it's one of my best features, and I love it too much to do something that I may regret later on.

Daddy's birthday celebration.

My dad's birthday was this past Tuesday (Feb. 26th) and we celebrated it last night at Pala. His girlfriend paid for a banquet room for us to hold it in. This was a surprise party, and as much as he tried to play it off you could tell that he put two and two together the day of. Family and friends were all there! There was also a slideshow put together about his life, and it made me tear! The pictures, music and captions showed me just how far we've all come -- Especially as a family.

It was a simple family/friends party with the good company, food, music, dancing, pictures, etc. I was glad to see that my dad was enjoying himself. That's all that really mattered to me. He's such a workaholic added to everything he has going on at home that deserves something like this. As old as he is he still acts like a kid at heart, and that's the best part about him. Ya'learn to love him! Half a century old and he's still going strong!

First week of spring semester '13.

I know I've been MIA for a while, but that's because I started school this week -- My last semester at a community college. I'll be attending West Coast University in the fall!

This semester I'll be taking Chemistry 10 (Introduction to General, Organic and Biological Chemistry for Allied Health Majors), Math 110 (Elementary Statistics), and English 1A (English Composition).

School Schedule:
M: 1:15-6:10pm (Chem lecture, Stats)
TTH: 2:15-4:20pm (English)
W: 8am-6:10pm (Chem lab, Chem lecture, Stats)

My MW (but more along the lines of W) are definitely going to be much longer days than I've ever had. 11 hours, my goodness. At least my TTH makes up for it since it starts later in the day!

As it turned out, my friend Leslie from my Anatomy class last semester is in my Chemistry class too, so that's a plus! My professor is Chinese and has an accent, so it's a bit difficult to understand him. I'm going to have to really listen if I want to catch everything he's saying. I'm glad that I have him for lecture and lab though. From what I can tell so far, he teaches almost the exact same lessons in both parts of the classes and I can definitely use that to my advantage in understanding the topics better.

My Statistics class isn't too bad. I'm pretty much already tired by then since it starts at 4:45, but I'll manage! My professor seems to have a great and clear understanding in the lessons, and I always think it's the most important subject to have one that does. Otherwise, I'd be pretty much screwed because I already have a bit of trouble understanding math sometimes as it is.

I have to say that English has to be my favorite subject so far though. We're going to be covering the topics of "monsters" in society, so need I say more? Vampires! Lol, finally some topics that I'm interested in. We had our first "practice socratic seminar" yesterday, and I was one of those students that she had to cut off because I talked over my limit! That's never happened to me before, especially in socratic seminars, so I guess you could say it was a bit of a confidence boost for me in that class. Oh, also! My professor sounds like the mom from the show Good Luck Charlie on Disney Channel! I knew she sounded familiar on the first day, but I couldn't exactly pin point it until I got home later that day and saw my sister watching it.

I'm looking forward to this semester. It's definitely going to be a busy one, but that's what I love! Aiming for that 4.0 once again!

Aced my winter session '13 class.

It was a bit of a mood lifter after receiving literally heart breaking news this morning.

I highly believe that everything happens for a reason.

Especially the things that may seem the most upsetting. I realize that it does take me awhile to see why they happen sometimes, but when I finally do saying that I feel better would be an understatement.

Sushi, sushi, sushi.

I met up with Angel and Serena tonight for dinner after they had class, and they introduced me to JJ Sushi. It's located in Brea right off of Imperial Hwy. It was good (as sushi always is), but too expensive! Their rolls are about $12.95 each, so after you add up the tax and tip there goes $15 on just one roll. Recommended if you have the money, but there are cheaper places around! I'm just always down for trying new things.

PS: Rainy days calls for big, warm, and comfortable coats!

Successful shopping day!

I haven't bought anything clothes wise for myself since mid October. My closet is filled with the hand-me-downs Grace gives me, so it was nice to buy something for myself for a change. Bought a new bag from Forever 21, and scored good price deals of a pink dress and black hi-low skirt for only $20 put together at Papaya. Lucky me!

I also FINALLY came across those little Girl Scouts. I literally screamed when I saw them, LOL. Caramel De Lites/Samoas and Thin Mints >>>

Valentine's Day '13!

I dropped off my baby sister in Temecula today because she's playing in a soccer tournament with her old team this weekend. It's no surprise that I took the opportunity of already being there to also meet up with Grace.

She picked me up in Mira Mesa as usual, and we tried Up2You Cafe for the first time. The hype for it was over rated in my opinion. The location and setting of it was small and too quiet for me. I felt like I had to whisper to talk! We ordered the Nutella crepe, and it was just like any other. Afterwards, we went to take PuriKura pictures at Tea and More! What an expensive process that was. $8 for one (not to mention we took two), and we were terrible at it because everything was in Japanese with no English translation. It was funny though. New experiences!

I left her around 4ish because I had other plans to hang out with Janelle at her apartment in Riverside. Unfortunately for me, it took three hours to get there because of traffic. There are no words to explain my irritation for that.

Arrived at Janelle's around 7ish and she made me a healthy dinner! Chicken, vegetables and creamy corn. Her cooking was bomb, I loved it. Watched Vampire Diaries which had a sad ass ending! I'm glad she started watching it. I swear our friendship reached a whole new level when she did. Lol. We Skyped with Andre and ate some sweets for a bit then left for Target. We planned on getting boba too, but weren't really feelin' it at the end. Drove back home after that. Got home at around 11:30ish.

It was a really long day of driving (it was like I drove to Vegas), but I got the best of both worlds! Who needs a significant other on Valentine's day when you have a cousin and best friend like mine? (:

Tested out BB cream!

I've been neglectant towards my mom about trying this because I don't like the idea of putting so much of any kind of make-up on my face. I have this fear that it might break me out terribly. But of course, I ended up testing it out.

The results? Well, it kills me to admit that it actually makes my skin look a bit better. Lol. It's kind of sad because I used to be one of those girls that was all about "natural beauty." I've made quite the transition from that mentality since early November, but the reasoning for that is an entire different story.

This was just a trial run though. I'm not sure if I'll be applying it to everyday use.

Winter session '13 complete!

Psych 14: Developmental Psychology

I managed to get through: two chapters to read/answer study guide questions every night, two quizzes every class, a midterm, a six page paper and a final. For a six week course I did pretty well! I never pictured myself to survive a fast paced course, but I'm glad I did. And hopefully with flying colors! It's all about having good study habits and time management.

Although this class was way too early for me to function (7:30-10:10am), I really enjoyed it. Actually, I enjoy Psychology all around because it's the most interesting subject to me. Having a professor that knows what she's talking about and makes class bearable is always a plus, also.

Well, one week off until Spring semester! I'm gonna rest up while I can because considering the classes I'm taking, I'm sure this semester will be hell.

Moving really does show you who your real friends are.

I used to regret moving here because I had to adapt to a different place and people. I lived in Temecula for 13 years, and I wasn't sure how things would play out. But I realize now that things couldn't have worked out any better. I was able to receive my first job, make new friends and adjust to a completely different environment outside of my comfort zone. I'm happy here.

Now, I'm not sure where my friendships in Temecula lay. It's sad to know that I've lost touch with certain people that mattered the most to me. Naturally, I try my best to keep up with them via Twitter and Instagram, but when I'm in town or hit them up I actually want to take the time to really catch up with each others lives. It's unfortunate that when I try to spend time with them they already have other things going on, or they just don't seem to be into the conversation. I never liked being the only one putting in the effort in maintaining a friendship, and eventually it gets tiring and pointless to do so.

Despite all of that however, I've learned how much they really mean to me. The new friends I've made here came to mean a lot also, but they can never compare to my friends from home. My friends from home taught me the meaning of friendship during my college years. Moving may have shown me who my real friends are, but they all truly affected my life, and I can never really forget them.

Library Arc

It was barely hitting 5pm when I arrived at the library. I decided to sit at a table that had an open window. I may hate how the sunlight shines through, but having a view made me feel less confined.

The work load that I have on my plate right now is overwhelming, and everything was scattered all over the table. Chemistry and Statistics were kicking my ass. I'm having trouble understanding these concepts and it's stressing me out. I smacked my palm on my forehead in frustration when I just decided to work on my English paper that was about to be due.

An unfamiliar and deep voice suddenly comments, "You don't look stressed at all." 

I look up to see a guy with that typical image of a: maroon and white sweater over a black leather jacket, jeans, and black and white vans. I assumed he was somewhere around my age because I also noticed that he was holding an Anatomy textbook.

"Are you mocking my misery?" I replied sarcastically.

"Now why would I do that to someone that I don't even know?" He replies with a smile.

Well that's a cute smile, I thought to myself. 

"Actually, I was just wondering if I could sit here. The rest of the library seems to be full. Unless of course, these seats are already occupied."

I assumed he was referring to my papers all around the table. 

I let out a bit of a chuckle as I replied, "I don't see why not. Sorry, everything's just all over."

I collect everything and pile it in an organized manner as he replied with a simple "Thank you," and pulled out the chair diagonally across from me. I continue working on my paper as he starts whatever he had to do.

We went about our own things for awhile until a conversation picked up. 

"Did you by any chance take Anatomy?" he asks.

"I did last semester actually."
"Do you mind helping me with something?"

I took this question as an opportunity to maybe have him help me, also.
"It depends. Did you take Chemistry and Stats?"

"I'm good at math, yeah! I only took Chemistry in high school though."

"Tell you what, I'll help you in Anatomy if you help me in Stats."
"Deal!" he replies excitedly. 

We didn't realize it, but the time flew by. Before we knew it the library was about to close. For feeling so overwhelmed when I first arrived, he helped me understand what I was learning in Stats much better which took a bit of a load off my shoulders. It's true what they say, that "students teaching other students can be more helpful than when a teacher teaches the students." All I could hope for was that I was just as helpful to him with Anatomy. 

We started packing up our things when he asks, "Do you mind if we meet here again tomorrow?"

I smiled as I re-played everything that happened the last few hours.
"I don't see the harm in that."

I finally found something to wear this cardigan with! Plain and simple.

Team Vampire Diaries!

This was just too funny and coincidental today, LOL. Had me laughing so much!