Hustle all day long, but all I ever thought about was you.

I never would have guessed that I would end up here with you, and that's my favorite part about all of this. It was unexpected.

I thank you everyday for never giving up on pursing me for as long as you did.

In time my heart will open. The shadows will bleed and the locks will break.

Lowkey noticed how much Jason cares about me yesterday.

You had this look on your face that seemed like something was on your mind. But it was only for a split second, and then you had a smile because one of the newbies were going up to you.

Yesterday, my co-worker told me that "I don't look like the kind of person to ever get mad/upset with someone because I'm always happy." Little does he know that there have been numerous times at work when I have been anything but happy.

I honestly believe that nobody could ever guess that what I write comes from what I endure and how I have felt. I always have such an outgoing exterior that nobody would ever notice.

You've been stuck in my head like a melody.

Been thinking about you.

Mom: "You need to find yourself a boyfriend, anak. Aren't you lonely?"

I'm not exactly sure where my mom acquired the thought of me being lonely just because I'm single; but I can assure you that I'm not lonely and I definitely don't "need" one. I'm perfectly content with how things currently are. Yes, content, because I can admit that I'm not completely happy. But my happiness has nothing to do with not having a boyfriend.

This is where my happiness comes from: Getting enough sleep, payday, getting a good grade on a quiz/exam, watching Netflix, sushi, working a shift with my favorite people, spending quality time with friends, having time for breakfast and coffee in the morning, etc.

You have the little things, and then you have the big things. Of course, I think I'll keep the big things to myself.

Emily Allen once said, "There's so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole person on your own. Do all things with love, but don't romanticize life like you can't survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful."

The point is, I'm doing well with myself. Having a boyfriend is the last thing on my mind.

Why is it always the friendships that you hold closest to your heart, the ones that fall apart?

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

I ached for what never became.

My mother said to me recently, "You remember too much. Why hold onto all that?"

I replied with, "Where do I put it down?"

Every time I see how far someone is getting in the nursing field, I question whether or not changing my major was the right decision. I can admit that I only wanted to become a nurse for the money, but I can't help but get jealous that they're getting closer to the career that I once desired. 

You know, as the semesters were passing me by, I could feel that I wasn't going to make it. It was a constant feeling, and then everything suddenly started to seem more challenging. More stressful. Oh, and lets not forget miserable. I no longer had the heart to continue moving forward in this field. Not even for the money. 

This gets to me from time to time, because I feel like I've lost one of the best traits that people saw in me. It was something that defined my work ethic, how successful I wanted to be. & Now it's just ... Gone.

Hi, I just wanted to see how you were doing.

I've been contemplating on how to react to this text. Then I thought, "Why do you care?" I was ready to reply to it when I woke up this morning, but decided to take the day to think about if I truly wanted to or not. I was thinking about how much you've changed. Everything you've made me feel in your absence. Do you even deserve a reply? Ugh, I just don't know.

Things have to fall apart in order to get better, and I need to remember that.

I hope that one day you'll miss me the way that I used to miss you.

Key word: Used to.

I wish I could wake up with amnesia

And forget about the stupid little things

Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you 

I just want to find somebody who finds it hard to let me go.

I've seen so many shady people walk into my life and then walk out of it without looking back, and although it's a routine that we all need to get used to, it's still difficult to cope with. I don't think that I'm asking for much. I just want to find somebody who would stay strong during the bad times and stick with me during the good times. Just somebody who won't let me go.

Is losing me even a loss?

I'm truly tired of missing people that aren't worth missing. They walked out on me, why do I still give a fuck?

Doing the best that she can to hide the scars. But long sleeves and make-up, it doesn't get that far.

You break free from unhappy thoughts and emotions by seeing that, even though it may feel that way at the moment, you are not owned by them. You are only temporarily occupied.

It's been a difficult month, and I hit a real depression this past week. I don't know, I was pretty messed up. Not physically, but mentally. It was like I was going down an endless and deep hole. I was giving up, if I haven't already. I was restless. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night, and there were times when I just couldn't stop crying.

My life is a domino effect of things falling apart, but I can't let life kick my ass.

I took my hairs virginity last Tuesday (08/12/14)! I was definitely nervous about the whole thing, but it's needless to say that I was more than happy with the outcome of it. My hair is now a light brown! It was time for a change. All of the compliments that I've been receiving is a nice little bonus, also. :)

<3!

My realest.

I was thinking about the finality of it all -- How somebody can leave your world in the blink of an eye and be gone forever. It's too enormous to think about. It's too hard. And then you're just supposed to go on, right? Just deal with it. You're only supposed to be sad for as long as the flowers last and then, oh, time to go back to telling jokes and reminiscing about the old days.

But I always get this weird feelings in my chest that you don't mean the things you tell me. And that I may just be convincing myself that the things I want to hear are true.

We don't believe the things we hear. We just love the way they sound.

Will I ever be good enough in your eyes? Tell me. Because I'm tired of self-destruction.

Funny how people begin to fade once they've searched through every crack and crevice of your mind. Must I hold secrets in order for you to appreciate my company?

Constant change. I guess that's life.

All of it. Everything.

Even if you know what's coming, you're never prepared for how it feels.

The toughest prison we experience is in the mind.

At the end of the day, you learn to focus on all of the good rather than the bad. & Also learn to appreciate the friends that care about you when your family pays no mind.

Cold and quiet exterior. Warm and vulnerable interior.

When life comes rushing at you in the face of darkness, who will you face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? Will their love for you help them guide you into the light? Or will they lose it in the darkness? Will they make noble choices? Or will that person be someone they tested? Someone new? Life comes rushing towards you from out of the darkness, and when it does, is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone that will catch you when you stumble and fall, and in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears.

Right now I want a word that describes the feeling you get -- a cold sick feeling, deep down inside -- when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you once were. 

We go days without having a meaningful conversation, and I used to miss you so much when that happened. But it never seemed like you missed me, and I guess because of it I stopped missing you.

Thank you for giving me the chance to find someone better than you.

Sometimes you just need to be alone. Sometimes not even your best friend needs to know. Sometimes you need to put your walls up so you can examine yourself in the peace and quiet. Sometimes the loud sounds need to fade away, leaving only the silence and you.

Proverbs 20:30

Oh, you're alive?

I'm no longer going to make room in my life for the people that don't deserve to be there.

You disappeared on me without a word, and that's not okay. When the feeling of abandonment was still fresh, I spent the time trying to analyze what it could have possibly been for you to just walk out on me, but for what? It never would have mattered if I figured it out or not -- If I found the answers that I was looking for. The people that leave you without an explanation never come back, anyways.

I've gotten good at this "people always leave" thing. It doesn't affect me as much as it used to. I grow every time and it just gets easier. Whether or not you "find the words" to give me an explanation, know that I can forgive people without welcoming them back into my life.

I wish you were still around to see how much I've grown and improved.

I'm underwater trying not to drown.
- Six Word Story (03/20/2014).

I want the part of you that you refuse to give.

If you truly pour your heart into what you believe in -- even if it makes you vulnerable -- amazing things can and will happen.

"No, I know something will happen for you."
Me: "How so?"
"Because it's about time. You deserve it."

Maybe I'm tired of fighting. Maybe I want to be the one that's fought for. For once.

Things don't get better. It just gets different.

The weaker I get, the stronger I become.

"Why are you so afraid to open up?"

Opening up makes me feel vulnerable, and it's not a feeling that I enjoy. I choose my people -- All of which I can count on one hand. I wasn't like this a few years ago, though. I had such an open heart back then that sometimes it's still hard to believe that this is who I am now.

It really sucks when you completely open yourself up to another person, where you let them break through the wall you've worked so hard to construct. You share all your past, your mistakes, your dreams with them, hoping for them to become part of your future. And maybe they have done the same with you. But the harsh reality is feelings are only temporary, the beginnings are always the greatest, but the ending, you can never expect. Once you open yourself up to someone, you're giving them a part of you. A part for them to take along once they leave and a part that will leave you incomplete, broken. And that's what always gets me, I've given away too much of myself to get back. 

Over the years, I've grown to become someone to keep a lot to myself, and have improved the ability to handle situations on my own. I'm not as dependent on other individuals to be there for me, and that's okay. Sometimes you have to stand alone just to make sure you still can.

My crush from 3rd-8th grade, lol omg! This was pretty damn cute.

Though I have learned a lot, I still have a lot to learn.

In temporary moments of stress, you will, without knowledge, relieve me of it with the little things that you say. Always.

They can't love you like I do.

This isn't a Romeo and Juliet story
This is me and you, plus forever and always

Screenshot forever saved.

I was definitely surprised when I received/read this. I've known him since July '13, and this is the first time he's ever told me this.

BAE: "Before anything else"

I'm glad that we always find our way back to becoming as close as we are. There's nobody else in my life that I would want to have the kind of relationship that we do with. Despite the rough patches we've been through, you're the best cousin I could ask for. Since '97 and still going strong. :)

Hold my breath as you're moving in
Taste your lips and feel your skin
When the time comes, baby don't run
Just kiss me slowly

My newest obsession + Ootd

RAMEN. Mommy didn't cook tonight so when I got home from class she asked me what I wanted. Ramen was the first thing that came to mind, so we went to Kopan Ramen in Fullerton. First time, and it didn't disappoint! However, the downside to this place was that they only had two choices: Tonkotsu and Veggie. But other than the lack of variety, the food was pretty damn good and worth going back for.

Next few places to try:

- Ajisen Ramen

- What's Up Men

- Foo Foo Tei 

Ootd: I questioned whether or not 68 degrees was still too warm for a jacket, beanie, and boots. It wasn't! It turned out to be a reasonable outfit for today's kind of weather, as well as my "workout" (as Gerico calls it, lol) of walking back and forth on campus for class. Ugh, one more day and I will have made it through the first week!

Second day of school = Conquered.

I'm not a fan of professors having participation points count towards my grade, and it's a requirement for both of these classes. I feel like I'll do well with it in my Nutrition class, but History on the other hand is a different story. I like knowing what I'm talking about and having confidence when doing so, and History has never been my strongest subject. That makes me nervous. 

I'm glad T/TH are my short days. Because that means on Thursday's, my weekends start at 11:10 :) 

Gerico and sushi

Gerico and I have a sushi problem. I told him I didn't want to go, but of course he still decides to show up at my place. I guess I can't deny that I enjoy spending time with him though. His company and eating sushi is like a package deal, lol. Also, one of these days I'll get him to take a REAL and NICE picture with me. It's my goal every time we hangout! ^^

Back to school.

Spring semester '14, wsp. 5 classes, 16 units. All of my classes are on completely opposite sides from each other, so I'll be busting missions back and forth on MW's. It was your typical syllabus with brief introductions to the first chapter kind of day. I'm kind of upset how all my textbooks are actually required. It's hurting my bank account, and I can't stand asking my parents for money. Ugh, oh well. First day conquered.

As a TL, I swear I feel 10x more drained after a shift. That feeling definitely won't work for me now that I'm back to school. Good thing I changed my availability. Also, I can't stand being understaffed.

Ms. Thompson will make a great mom one day.

If sky's the limit, boy I'm running out of air.
This way I'm feeling, I can never ever compare
My world is spinning, but as long as you're here
I'll be yours forever

Gerico's last day.

"Why does it upset you so much?"

"You wouldn't understand. No one would."

I started missing you from the moment you said, "This is going to be my last month at Harkins."

I could probably tell you our entire story. How we met. How he got my number. Every time we've hung out. Every conversation. Every song we've quoted in our conversations. Every time he's denied taking a picture with me. Every time he's noticed the little things about me. Everything he's taught me. & All the places he's shown me. 

Tuesdays and Thursdays were always my favorite days. As busy and different as our schedules were, at least I had those 8 hours in 2/7 days of the week to look forward to.

Things will definitely be different now. I really am happy for him though. I know that he'll do great and go far. It is Gerico after all, how can he not?

---------------

He has really become someone close to my heart, and I really hope that not seeing him as much anymore doesn't change the kind of friendship that we have. Ever since he became important to me, it's been really difficult to picture how things would be without him. 

Sometimes we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be.

Things I've learned

*NOTE: BLOG IN PROGRESS

From Gerico:

• Please and thank you's. 
• Lists! 
• Four things -- Pretzels, hot dogs, bibs (make sure they match up) and floors
• During rushes -- Popcorn, popcorn bags and boxes
• Don't forget about breaks (Coordinate with other TL's on weekdays)
• If someone is running for someone else, take over and have them hop on if needed
• Pretzel seasonings
• Take out the wrapper from the cup displays -- "It's not what we sell"
• The timing in taking down one side when closing depends on who the floor manager is

From Amanda:

• Bundle passes throughout the day
• Keep a list of how many passes you have, that way you just match up numbers by close time
• Lost and found: No food or drinks!

From Janet:

• Assigning registers can sometimes be pointless because they throw everyone on
• TLC for soft pretzels!
• When having people cover for lobby, they can still help ushers but check restrooms when needed

First weekend as a TL

Box TL 4-12am (Friday, 02/07):
I walked into the first rush of the day with the knowledge of my closing team member having called off. I counted onto a drawer knowing I was about to endure a busy night, but kept in mind everything that Amanda has taught me thus far. As a team member in box, I only concerned myself with lines and cutting up passes. As a TL, not only did I hop on when I needed to in order to help out with the lines, but I also needed to keep track of passes (bundling them to make it easier on me to close), breaks, guest services, and paychecks considering it was payday. Guest services was filled with swaps, on swaps, on swaps! Apparently, I "was in the zone." That came from one too many people that night, haha. Since my closer called off, I was REALLY thankful that Katherine was willing to stay. Besides the refunds, the packet turned out to be even which I was happy about. After clocking out that night, I felt better about myself because even though things weren't perfect, it went pretty damn smooth.

Box TM 10-6pm (Saturday, 02/08)
Yes, it was a team member shift but I definitely did things that was supposed to be the TL's job. With a team member shift, my first priority are the lines. I realized that my TL that day wasn't keeping up with the passes, and on his down time all that he was doing was watching the projector. Needless to say that I did him a favor and did all the bundling for him. It was a good thing I did also, because when I came back from my 30 I was asked to help with the packet because he didn't know how to yet. Amanda, who was crowd control, jumped in to help him however since I was on register because of lines. When it started to die down, I did my part in helping out when he says, "I need to go because I'm about to hit my 8th hour." I realized that his swaps, refunds, and ultimate passes were off. So, as he left Amanda and I were stuck trying to figure out where he went wrong. It took us a good 30min+ to get everything down. Still don't know how we miraculously got all the numbers to match, lol. When she told me that "It would've been worse if I didn't have your help" that made me feel good. Especially because it came from her, the queen of box office!

Concessions TL 8-4pm (Sunday, 02/09):
I went into this shift really nervous, and of course the first thing that Heaston tells me when I see him is, "Be prepared for a rough morning. We're understaffed and three people have already called off." Great. I made it a point to get all the opening chores done, that way we can stock up on what we can before any rushes came our way. We were hit about an hour after opening, and after that it was non-stop. I felt like I had to work twice as hard because I didn't have a concessions manager, and my swing didn't come in until 1. It goes without saying that shift was really brutal, and I was definitely drained by the end of it. The only good thing that came out of it was how well management thought I did. & That made me pretty damn proud for my first CTL shift. Also, as I was walking out I heard my name, and it was Mr. Wilson calling me over.

"Are you off?"

"Yeah."

"I know we were understaffed, but you did a really great job today."

"Thanks! That actually means a lot." 

"You're getting better everyday, Keana. Keep it up."

I guess you can say that my first weekend as a TL wasn't half bad. ESPECIALLY when you take into consideration with how busy it was. & I'm happy that it was. But again, there's always room for improvement.

When letting go of old habits, old memories, what's important is that we don't stop believing that we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap, are the few things worth holding on to.

Night of Jan. 31, 2014.

I got promoted.

When I was being taken upstairs, all I could think about was what I could have done wrong. Write up? I haven't been late recently. I never go over on my breaks. It can't be inaccuracy because I always count back my change. What else was there? I was shaking because I couldn't figure it out.

"Before I start, is there anything that you want to tell me?"
"Not that I know of, no."
"Are you sure? Nothing at all? Think really hard."
*There was a pause as I ran all the possible scenarios in my head once more.
"Yes, I can't think of anything."
"Then why would you think that you're in trouble?"

She flips over an evaluation paper as I let out a relieving sigh.
"Calm down Keana, you're just getting your evaluation."
"Didn't I already do my eval? Ms. Thompson gave it to me just a few weeks ago."
"Yes, but you need another one when you get promoted."
"Wait, what?"
"Congratulations Keana, we're promoting you to become a Team Leader."

My mind was racing, and the first two things that I thought about was the conversation that I had with Ms. Patterson JUST on Tuesday, and Gerico. Is it a bad thing that I felt more scared/nervous than happy/excited? As she was going over my evaluation, I couldn't help but think that I wasn't ready. Not yet. I still have a lot to learn and things to improve on in all areas. What could I have done that would possibly make management think that I was ready?

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm scared for how everyone will react to these new promotions. I understand that I shouldn't care about what other people think, but I do. However, what's done is done. I can only continue to grow and strive to improve from here. I'm not going to be one of those TL's that choose to stop putting in the effort or no longer feel the need to listen to others just because they already have it. No, you have to follow before you can lead, and I'm going to work for it and prove to myself as well as my peers that I'm capable of this position. I promise.

Am I a fool for always thinking with my heart?

I met you at the peak of last summer
I was looking for a change, not a lover
Then you came around and I couldn't resist you
And it all started from the moment I kissed you
Then I fell harder than I ever wanted

When I was falling down, you caught me at the right moment.

Some things weren't meant to last, but I want to last with you.

This risk can be ugly or beautiful.

There are some people that come and go
But some memories are worth to hold
I'll remember what you gave to me
You're a chapter in my book
A love story

I've been doing a lot of writing but they're all saved as drafts. It's been difficult for me to word things lately.

Proverbs 31:25

You can forgive someone without welcoming them back into your life.

Secretly, I hit the lottery.
'Cause you're brighter than all of the Northern Lights
Wouldn't let you go for even the highest price.

If it's up to me, I would keep you forever.

Do you ever think that we're just chasing our tails?
Like life is one big fast treadmill.

Sometimes I wish my skin was a costume that I could just unzip and strip

But who I am is who I'm meant to be.

You don't learn anything in college. It's honestly just a door you have to get through to open other doors in life.

There is no promise of forever.

Maybe I do believe it. All this meant to be stuff. Why not believe it? Really. Who doesn't want a bit more romance in their life? Maybe it's just up to us to make it happen. To show up and be meant for each other. At least that way you'll find out for sure. If you're meant to be or not.